The Friend That Fills Your Cup

I spent the morning with one of my besties, Shannon. She's one of those friends who always fills my cup, and according to her, I always fill hers too. On my way to meet her for our yoga class, I wondered how fortunate I am to have such friends and what that means.

The Serendipitous Friendship Born from Openness in Yoga Teacher Training

When Shannon and I met at our first yoga teacher training (YTT), I was not purposefully looking for a friend, let alone a bestie. At that time, I was looking to deepen my yoga practice as I continued my search for an answer to a question that hadn't fully crystallized. This search meant being open, as one would keep their eyes open if they were searching for lost keys. In this case, it was being open with my mind and heart. It was this openness to learning, to the other students, and whatever else that may come that led me to find such a meaningful friendship.

Shannon and I on a hike for her birthday

I signed up for this nine-month training all by myself. Meaning I didn't try to get anyone else to go with me, which is unusual because I really dislike trying new things on my own. But that was the first step to being open. The first day of the training arrived with 18 other adults in yoga gear. We filed into the studio, laying out our yoga mats in neat rows, setting up our classroom. Throughout that first weekend, during break time when we ate our snacks, everyone mingled and got to know each other. It's odd that sometimes you click with certain people immediately and then turn around to feel repelled by others with equal force. It's almost as if our energy is automatically trying to harmonize with others and gravitate to those who sing our song.

This is where, almost like a creeper, I knew I was going to be Shannon's friend. I liked talking with her and being around her. Each time we interacted, it was easy, without any awkwardness. As the YTT drew close to an end after nine months, we still didn't know each other's occupation, which was one of the rules of the training to not disclose that piece of information. That sociology experiment encouraged the 19 of us to find new ways of defining ourselves to each other and to ourselves. For me, this was life-changing, though I had no idea at that time. Because for so long, my identity had been tied to becoming a dentist and then being a dentist and then owning a practice. Gradually, I believed my importance, my worth, lay with these titles. But those nine months reminded me, liberatingly, that I always was, am, and will be much more than titles.

The Art of Cultivating Genuine Friendships in Adulthood

Part of this rediscovery was also because of the friendship I had formed with Shannon. It reminded me of when kids became friends with other kids on the playground simply because they were there at the same time. There was no status, no occupation, no pretenses. It was innocence with a pure desire from each child to connect with another.

At its core, true friendship seems simple. The joy of each other's company is the melody that adds depth and complexity to the harmony of friendship. But it takes effort as adults to cultivate and keep such friendships alive and thriving. Dr. Marisa Franco speaks to this with her research in the book, Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make--and Keep--Friends. How often do we say, "Oh, let's get together soon," but never actually do? Life fills up our calendars with work, appointments, obligations, leaving us little time to develop a necessary network of girlfriends that harmonizes with us. I learned from another friend, Jana, who never says goodbye at one meeting without booking another face-to-face date. At first, when she did this, I felt it foreign to be "making appointments" to see each other. But when our next meeting was rolling around, I was so thankful we did! I realized I didn't have this mental post-it note of needing to schedule something with her afterwards. It was already taken care of in the two minutes she and I pulled our calendars out before saying goodbye. So I adopted this practice in my effort to keep meaningful friendships thriving.

Perhaps finding friends who fill your cup is the reason that deep connections are the keys to leading a rich and joyful life. According to the longest study completed by Harvard researchers on what equates to happiness, the book, The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness presents its findings. Through interviews of multiple generations of real-life human beings, the answer is community. Let it be big or small, it's the deep connections one makes that have the most consistently profound effect on a person's joy and physical well-being.

As part of my inner work of healing and learning to thrive, instead of just survive, is valuing a sacred group of people—friends, the family we choose. Although my husband and I have come to depend on each other for many things, we know we cannot be each other's everything. That's where friends come in. To cultivate open and honest friendships means being open and honest first. To be vulnerable and demonstrate that it's okay to open up and show deeper layers of ourselves gives others the courage to do the same. I've begun putting myself out there with some of the people in my life that I hope will accept all of me, not just the curated me. And if it works out, then I look forward to filling their cups too.

An Invitation

As you were reading, you might have thought of the people who fill your cup. I invite you to look at your calendar and see if you have appointments already made with these beautiful people. If not, maybe schedule something with them right now. It might just be the gift that both of you have been needing.

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